“There’s no way my doldrums compare to your grief”, I said matter-of-factly to my wife, while in front of our couple’s therapist.
The whole session was a departure for me, to even allow the session’s focus on me at all. Almost always I pivot to how Robin is doing, and we start there, and often stay there. Because as far as I’m concerned my problems don’t compare. Robin is dealing with elderly and declining parents, life-long health issues, current Long Covid health exacerbations, and grief for the recently deceased. And my problems are… I’m not sure “what’s next” for me.
How could I even begin to allow myself to take up any space on this? Clearly me being in “the doldrums” simply doesn’t compare. My problems don’t even compare to the person next to me, let alone the problems outside my window out in the world.
But I challenged myself during the check-in; instead of answering “fine” for how I’m doing, I decided to speak a more pressing truth: I’m feeling very blah. For a hot minute I was excited about my latest book, but my energy evaporated almost as quickly and I don’t know what to do about it. The frustration comes from finding my usual strategies aren’t working as they used to. I believe because it isn’t as challenging as before, it’s something I know I can do, and that’s become a problem.
And then the additional frustration of “This AGAIN?” This has been my whole challenge all along, for years now. Ever since I made the decision to leave my company. “What’s next?” and the frustration of not feeling excited about what I’m doing on a day to day basis. I harbor an unrealistic expectation that I want to feel high intensity all of the time, and if I don’t, there is something wrong with me.
And I acknowledge the paradox I’m in that I continue to find things to do, things I’m proud of, things I write and share about with my community, and then I come back to Earth.
I don’t have a “job” or committed work to go to, and I wrestle with existing in this space.
And I feel ashamed that these are my problems in a world filled with real problems. Whether it’s Robin’s, who was sitting right next to me, or the greater world outside of my window. Look at my usage of the phrase “real problems”.
The tools I’ve used in the past to help me only work when they’re attached to going to my edge. Once I’ve proven I can do it I lose interest. I think this is a big part of why I have such a varied work history.
The problem now is money isn’t a motivator. Survival doesn’t drive me. And so I have to look for new motivations. I have a growing list of impressive wins, and then I find myself back to square one.
And I’m also adjusting to a level of calm around me on other fronts. Both my children are stable and doing well. Robin’s health is an ongoing narrative, but there’s stability there. More importantly – there’s nothing for me to do about it, and I’ve been working on allowing myself to not worry. Even if Robin reports to me of having a rough day, unless there is something Robin needs, which I have to trust them to ask me for it, I have to let go of my hyper vigilance.
After a life of living precariously and crisis, this is an adjustment. I’m not totally certain creating more crisis for me to respond to is good for me.
I’m also running out of ideas. At least, ideas that come from within me. Unfulfilled wishes and dreams, that I’ve had the good fortune to realize.
I’m not sure when or how the next powerful invitation might show up. I know, and have proven, that I am capable of taking huge action in response. It’s just so frustrating for me when I can’t conjure it on demand.
Being a student of my own self-mastery, I realize I must listen to myself and the lessons that are appearing for me here.
I feel scared even admitting this. And that tells me that’s the thing for me to do then. That I don’t know what to do next, that my old tools aren’t working, and I’m feeling frustrated. And mostly, I’m ashamed to even speak it.
I learned some time ago that I always felt bad when comparing myself to others, to their achievements, things they’ve done, or are doing. I told myself to stay focused on running my own race.
But I hadn’t realized this can also show up comparing my problems to others. When I do, I minimize my own feelings because people out there are dealing with “real problems”. That serves no one, and certainly not me.
Like a lot of things, the first step was simply for me to start noticing it. And that’s where I am with this.
Because I’m still in the middle of this, I don’t have a nice and clear answer or solution. I can only push back on my own shame and minimizing thoughts, and share my story.
Thank you for reading this.
