There’s a quote on my wall. It’s unattributed and I don’t know the origin. When I Google it, nothing much comes up. I don’t even remember where I got it from, but it made enough of an impact I wrote it down and put it on my wall. It says:
Give people what they need, not what you want them to have.
There’s so many times in my life, every day, that I want so much for people. And the cold reality is that if they’re not able to receive it, then no amount of my wanting will change that.
Sometimes I’m on the receiving end of this. I can tell when people want something for me, but it may not be what I need at the time. Unsolicited advice shows up this way.
Because I know how ineffective it can be for me to be on the receiving end, I try to ground myself and remind myself of this truth.
This has shown up in my marriage. I have a desire to “fix” Robin when they (Robin is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns) are feeling down. Robin has a different way of dealing with things than I do. Sometimes what Robin “needs” IS to wallow and feel bad, and then put it behind them. This is their process. This can be painful for me to witness, because it hurts to see someone I love hurting.
So, just yesterday, as I witnessed this, I asked myself “What does Robin need right now?” Instead of my usual trying to reframe the situation or looking on the bright side, or wanting to talk about things under their control, I acknowledged how Robin was feeling and how much it sucks.
And rather than Robin getting defensive and pushing back at my attempts of reframing, I watched Robin work through it on their own. And before long the mood had passed, and we spent a fun afternoon together doing some errands (trips like that are fun for us).
Sometimes it can be very difficult to hold back on what it is I want someone to have, and listen to what they need. Even if from my perspective they are suffering needlessly.
I think of this when I think about the traps philanthropy can fall into. There’s a desire to “help”, from a place of wanting something for someone, and how poorly that can land in reality.
Back to my personal situation, as someone that has benefited from extensive psychotherapy and coaching, I think the whole world can benefit from it, AND… that’s what I want for them.
Not everyone is looking to be “fixed” in the ways I want for them.
I also know that pain is a huge catalyst. Sometimes things need to become untenable to force change. Or, my way of doing things may not be what they need. Or maybe they’re not ready for what I’m offering in this moment.
However, if part of my mission is to make the greatest impact, then listening to what their needs are at the moment is usually precisely what is needed to do.
Where in your own life might it serve you to differentiate what someone’s needs are from what you want for them?
