Yesterday was my latest step in being able to re-enter the US (I was banned 23 years ago for working as a DJ in the US without a visa). Last year I tried to enter because I didn’t know what would happen. Turns out, I’m still banned. I at least answered the question of whether it was my fear keeping me out or them – it was them.
I started the legal route, and yesterday was my final step – an interview at the Rainbow Bridge border crossing which literally crosses Niagara Falls.
I had a sleepless night again, there is so much history tied to this story which is 23 years old and counting.
But I got up, got dressed, drove the 90 minutes to the border, parked, and then stepped through the one-way door that lets you walk across the bridge.
This will always be frightening to me. It’s such an imbalance of power. I walked in and told the customs officer why I was there (not to enter, but do my biometrics interview). He took my passport and told me to take a seat. Here we go.
Even though I knew I was following procedure, and was there because this was the next step, I was still in a world of fear. Catastrophic fears of them arresting me (for no reason), fears of them challenging me. Forcing me to deal with old shame of decisions I made literally decades ago.
Finally, I was called for photos and have my fingerprints taken. This was expected. Then I was told to take a seat again.
For whatever reason I had to sit for another 30 minutes. Sitting in that place of fear. And then finally the guard called me over, handed me back my passport, and told me we were done for today and I could walk back to Canada. A decision will be made on my case in the coming months. Today’s step was done.
And then I got to release all that fear I had been carrying. I had completed the last step. I’ve gone through proper channels and filed the appropriate paperwork, and did so with professional assistance so I had the best chance of success.
I got to walk back across the Rainbow Bridge, releasing all that fear, and also the relief knowing this was the end of the road. I had done my part. There’s nothing more for me to do. I can’t tell you the relief I felt.
In the coming months I’ll be told what the outcome of my request was. I hope it’s positive, but whatever the outcome I’ll know I’ve already grown in tremendous ways by facing the oldest fear I have in my life, and for that I’ve already won.
What old story of yours still haunts you, and what’s the smallest step could you make to finally putting it behind you?
